Relationship Advice: How to Get Over Being Played

Six months later, the group who had been treated with exercise only, had a very low relapse rate of 9%. Then, that day was the last time I saw him. You said that you are too nice of a person; and you are.

Remember that you are doing this for yourself and no one else. Why would someone say those three little words on the last occasion? Resist the temptation to turn to anger.

How to get over someone (includes an interactive test) - Hot and cold behaviour started.

You may find yourself wondering what happened in a relationship. As frustrating and degrading as it is, you were played. First, I want to stress that you are not alone. So how do you get over being played? Now the cold, hard truth sets in. You were deceived; you were played! You know you were led on. You see the relationship was never what you believed. You realize you allowed yourself to be manipulated by false promises or delusions of some sort. Where do you go from here and how do you deal with the humiliation? Ask yourself this question: What positive feel-good things did I get out of the relationship? On the other hand, what were the negatives of your involvement in the relationship? Let us list a few possibilities. Did he give you attention? Were you bored and unfulfilled sexually? Did you have anger and resentment leftover from a previous relationship? Did he seem to understand you like nobody else did? Did she know exactly what you were thinking? Did you fantasize about him daily and believe that he could finally offer you the release you needed to be fulfilled? Did she offer you a way out of your present situation? Did he seem to understand your sexual needs and fulfill you in every way? Did you want to question him about some of the confusion you detected in his statements? Did you want to tell him that he was manipulating you? Did you want to ask her about those inconsistencies, but didn't? Did you ever want to tell him you thought he was not fair to you? Did you ignore your gut feeling that he was not all that he was presenting himself to be? Did you continue to flirt with and engage in sexual activity with her because she fulfilled so many needs? Were you blinded by your feelings for him and the feel-good things? Did you ignore the warning signs that were obvious? Did the bubble finally burst when she dropped out of your life with no explanation and never bothered to answer the last message you sent her? Did you refuse to contact him because, by then, you had realized he had just been playing you and throwing you a few crumbs to keep you hooked, keeping you hoping you would get the cake later? You tried to bargain and convince yourself she really did care for you. You were hurt when you realized his feelings were based on selfishness. You discerned her morality was not what you thought it was. You were disappointed, sad, lonely, humiliated, angry, jealous, and felt totally deceived and angry at yourself. Are you devastated and beating yourself up daily? This may be a good time to think back on past relationships and your pattern of choosing partners. Or, if this is the first time this has happened, then learn from the experience. What can you do with the feelings? For starters, seek out someone you trust to confide in. If your sadness and guilt are too overwhelming, seek the guidance of a professional counselor or psychologist. Your feelings are important, and getting on with your life is critical. Talking it out with an encouraging person can be very healing. I have a right to feel angry. I have a right to be angry at myself for allowing it. Let yourself heal and push onward! Once i fell for my boss secretary and she was talking to me, checking on me daily, andvwe were laughing eating, talking to each othet on whatsapp, even i made a party for her birthday and she was so happy and so am i. Met him 3 mos ago on a dating site I had just gotten hurt by an ex and was looking 4 fun only, I had gone out w a couple guys b4 that and had fun and no feelings, thought this would be the same. We went out , had sex the 1st night he was different so so intense, made me tell him the 1st night I wouldn't sleep w anyone else, this all played perfectly into my childhood abuse issues and adult traumas I've endured. Yes I was dumb. We went out more times , had insane amounts of sex, hours on end I should've known this guy wasn't right , the hours and hours of sex, the intense dislogue. All of the sudden he went mis 1 week , slower replies, one morning he texted and said he had nowhere 2 stay, got kicked out if his sober living house, yes I know, but he's a vet w ptsd so I was and am understanding about that, I had drug probs in the past myself. Told me he went out w some girl and they did dope in his car and she od'd, buy didn't die. So unbenowst to me he had been using I'm the sober living still and was on steroids still at this point he didn't have my heart fully I was just gong to help him. He stayed at my place a couple days then went to rehab. I talked him out of killing himself and have him encouragement that he could get clean. He called me everyday for the month in rehab , cane to see me 1 weekend in the end iit. He told me he thought about me everyday in rehsb, constantly were his words. He told me to take my wall down, let him in, I did after lots of calls my heart opened to him. He got out of rehab and immediately used, bad. I let him stay at my place 4 almost 2 weeks. Spent a lot of money and I even used a couple of times dumb i know. We had a couple of fights bc I knew he was texting some girls, he told me he got 3 girls number in rehab which hurt me. I'm pretty sure he saw one if then when he and a friend went back to the city the rehab was in fur a night during those 2 weeks. All through this we also had many long intense convos and bonded he even asked me did u think we would be this close when we met? He went back to rehab, got out, texted me some but didn't say anything about a deep poem I wrote 4 him while he was in there, I brought it up a few days later, he said sorry etc He was getting tattoos and back on his steroids and back in the program he had been kicked out if which I was happy 4, saw him a week ago, we had sex but it felt different, I feel he changed bc I got emotional he's not good w that and I normally don't text him like that bit the past month was hard w him surprising me using right out of rehab after I had so much faith in him. He asked me to dinner 4 the next day, but didn't contact me. The next day if sent a long text telling him I felt used, asked if he used me r support eyc? That sat we had discussed it and he said no, and he has apologized multiple times 4 letting me down w his relapse. I should've left it at that. But the fact remains he may be nice mostly but I know he talks to other females and my strong emotions 4 him freak him out I think. It hurts so bad bc he made me develop these emotions w all the drama I grew close to him. He didn't respond when I write that bug text where I also declared my love 4 him I regretted it. I texted him 2 day said sorry 4 what I said, the parts where I said I thought he had used me. Told him I got a new job, he said that's great babe. But haven't heard anything. I know he's on the dating site we met on. The app he told me to delete just 2 weeks ago. I don't understand what's happening between us, I'm so hurt and love him still. I know a great guy who wants to be w me , maybe I'll give him a chance. This all just sucks. I was strong w him until a month ago wish I could go back in time. Talked forever on Instagram. Kept asking me out. He was in NJ me in MA. He wanted to come to Boston but I said I'd go to NY for the day. We met under the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller center. Date was very romantic. Spoke for a year after that he was coming to Boston.... Women commenting flirting all over his instagram acct. Then told me he was bisexual. But he was only sleeping with men... Mean while ALL these women after him on his account. It's all a front. My gut tells me he's gay and just doesn't want to come out. He would get mad at me when I would say that. But he still dates women. It was all very confusing and after 17 months he disappeared and blocked me on everything. I was very hurt because we turned into friends. He played me and has now moved onto a new victim. We were dating for a year and a half. Throughout the relationship he cheated on me. I was stupid enough to believe him. Now after getting out of the relationship I realised I was played. He didn't have a job. I had to pay for the house for food and all the living expenses. I paid for his cigarettes, clothes and phones and entertained him. While he was busy seeing other people, telling them the house was his when I was at work. Apart from the lying and the cheating, he would hit,kick, threaten and swear at me when I touch his phone. All of which was signs He cheated. He tells me now that he made a mistake and he can't live without me. I just know he's trying to play me again, trying to get back everything I did for him. Everyone warned me but I didn't want to believe that someone can do this to a person. More than anything I feel stupid, deep down I knew he was cheating and lying and emotionally and physically abusing me. I just couldn't give up. I wish I did. Even though I was played, there comes a time when you are good to go, know what I mean? It's a small world, usually the lies the player is saying get back in days if not hours. I was played and it hurts, still will never know why she wouldn't just say she's not into me. I'm always going to be left wondering if I lost my soulmate just because of a misunderstanding, sure I tried getting an answer but I will never cross or come close to the line of creeping her out. I've completed deleted her from my phone, etc but I can't delete her from my heart, I remember everything she told me... I guess the only thing to do is make positive changes, do things that make you a better person. That has helped me a little. I met him on a dating app. I've been single for 2 years so when we went on our first date, he showed up in a fancy car, he showed me his fancy house and an empty walk in closet, said it would be mine, mentioned me and his young daughter, how she would like me. It felt nice to hear all these things. That evening I notice he was standoffish with no text messages, didnt answer my after work phone call and bam! I tried calling him and he never answered my calls or messages again. This hurt my soul. I feel so stupid! Ladies or gentlemen, if someone comes on too strong in the beginning and makes you feel beautiful inside, its probably too good to be true. I wish I would of, could of. I've been beating myself all week over this. I'd like to mention, this has never happened to me, in my 41 years of life. Confidence that I'm a good person to be with, and they would be more girls out there willing to go out with me. But will I ever find a psychotic and neurotic girl like her again? Why am I only fascinated with girls like her? Am I a masochist? But I generally find alot of people boring, maybe i'm too self-centered, maybe i think too much. I joined one of the dating sites after a year of being a widow. He is a partner in an investment firm so the appeal was great to me. The chats started putting me on a high. He seemed interested in me as a person. I requested to chat on the phone and he agreed. We continued to get to know each other before the date. It felt genuine - tracing similarities in our background, and even our names hey, his daughter's name is the same as mine! My late husband's name is a version of his from a different culture!! I truly got very excited. First missed red flag- it took a while for him to finalize the plans, but he mentioned he was busy when his kids are around. The date was set for a week later, but then I began to question each day when I wouldn't hear from him, preparing for a no show. But when he texted, I got excited part of the game, I guess. He chose a rather hip place in NYC that was crowded. My heart raced as soon as I saw him. There were many red flags that I ignored. He oozed of player. He was attractive, had the confidence of a typical successful Wall Streeter. We hardly ate because the conversation was so much fun. It truly felt we were into each other. He held my hand. But he started touching my thigh, again, ignored. He suggested we go to a quiet place to continue talking. We stepped out and it was raining - perfect romantic moment - so we kissed under one umbrella. But it wasn't a romantic kiss so I started getting confused. He suggested going to his apartment instead and by this time I had completely fallen for him. After great sex, my gut told me this was over. He asked that I leave in the morning when I wanted to leave at midnight. He felt distant and was in deep thought while cuddling. How could he not care for me, though, if he didn't want me to leave right away? After another round of sex in the morning, the goodbyes felt really dry. I started to panic and asked if we were seeing each other again. He gave me a weak yes. At least he checked on me that I got home safe. The week that followed, I texted a restaurant we should try. He said that sounded good, but there were no real plans. I then texted about books we both like to read. He had a few responses, then he went radio silent. That's when I realized I got played. It stung, and it still hurts as I type this. I don't know if I would have done things differently with him, I have no regrets, but moving forward, I'm taking it slower with the new men I will be meeting. Thank you for reading this far, it is therapeutic for me to write this. We have quite a bit in common but He is quite older than me. He texts me, touches my back all the time at work, calls me beautiful, etc. I have seen him flirting with another girl at work and just found out he's been calling her too! Prior to that he was very polite, we carried conversations for hours, we had a lot of sexual tension and basically showed me this side of him that I had not seen before that I wanted in my life. I seriously thought he wanted to be with me. I didn't know he was doing that until I confronted him about it. I guess he got his own karma in regards to that because she ended up sleeping with her first cousin and doing heavy duty drugs while seeing with my guy friend during that time period I was not sleeping together, thank goodness. Then my guy friend contacts me after a month and asks me over, which I did and saw that she had moved all her belongings out of his house, yes he moved her in because he felt bad for her because she tried killing herself. On the last day I saw him, sometime in June, we were spending time together and he told me after we were done getting busy that I needed to leave. I confronted him about it and it took a lot of pulling but he told me that the crazy woman was there. I finally came out with the truth that I fell in love with him months prior to him asking me about us sleeping together. He went from seeing me to not seeing me, avoiding certain topics. Drunk texting me to come over and then changing to not come over. And then last night he tells me that he has a friend that wants to sleep with me and that he can hook it up. I told him that he needed to give me answer for my closure on this and I asked if your friendship was done too. He didn't state anything about our friendship but he said that he can's answer now but I'm full of surprises. I said that could mean anything, you need to explain better. His response, 'your good, I's an ex'. I just said ok and for him to take care of himself. I am left in a loss for words, cause he made himself out to be this wonderful and caring guy and he just pulled the rug out of me. His daughter and mine were friends for over 10 years and he was a part of my family. I just don't know if I'm to blame, what did I do so wrong to him to deserve this. So it all started when I started liking this guy in school, we got each others social medias, stared flirting a little. Over a couple weeks one of his social medias started glitching so he gave me his phone number instead. Over about 2 months later i walk a different direction he's walking, but I turn back the other way and find to see him hugging another girl , I felt so small and definitely had a tear coming down my cheek. I texted him and told him how I felt when he did that, and I told him not to play girls in the future and all that. Although he understood he still didn't apologize , but it's whatever. A couple days passed with us not texting then he decides to text me and starts a normal conversation like nothing happened. I am seeing this guy from my job as well. I just found he's been putting the works on multiple girls. What's even crazier is that he had the nerves to call himself jealous and question my loyalty to him and my relationship with a male friend of mine. Master manipulator I tell ya. Anyway it's only been 3 months so no love lost there. Am just annoyed I have to see him at work everyday and he still tries to get back into my bed. He gave me a lot of attention, seduced me with kisses in my neck, compliments,... We never became intimate although it came very close. He has a steady relation for over 4 years. We still work close together, and still spend a lot of time together. I have recently found out he is working on another woman at work. It is unbearable to me, I cannot take any distance, not mentally nor physically as we are forced to work close together. I refuse to leave the job, he is leaving in a few months but I wish I would have magic formula to take my distance now. In the weekends I feel better, but in the week it's terrible. He also calls me nearly every night when he is not with his partner. How can I break the spell??? I had been seeing a guy for two years; just a casual thing, but ended up falling for him, badly. Despite having been in two long term relationships before I was engaged to one of them I have never felt like this about anybody before; ever. Just the very thought of him makes my heart leap. What a total sucker I am! He was so charming, so friendly and endeering to everyone he meets. And he was completely my 'type' to a t. There would always be a reason for why we couldn't talk after he'd made promises but always when we were drunk, unfortunately once we arranged we would meet at this nightclub, I had been texting him all night, not half an hour before, when I arrived his friend approached me just outside, telling me I couldn't go in because said person had a girlfriend! It was my birthday and I had left my friends in another town to meet him :-0 This guy never had a cigarette, never any money but would go out to the pub every friday night and end up drunk. Anyway mine and his relationship was entirely about sex, which was amazing and in truth the only thing we had in common. However my gut instinct always said- you are being used. On the way home I would always quickly develop this feeling of self-loathing. I knew I was being used, but would not admit that to myself or anyone else- I've NEVER been played before and am very trusting of people, I am also sadly very generous to people I know and like. If I'm toally honest I am still so weak for him, I know if I saw him in town I would go with him and that upsets me, because that is just so pathetic on my part, why can't I do what my friends say and delight in turning him down? It would feel soooo good but I know I wouldn't. I honestly don't know how to get out of this. I know he's playing me and I am such a textbook example of a fool, what is wrong with me... I decided to take some fresh air and wandered in the beautiful old port of my city. Always has been attracted to old men but only had 2 partners, including my ex-husband. Bottom line: not much experience in the dating scene. That day, I strangely thought a lot of my ex-husband which hadn't occurred in years. Portugal had won against France in the EURO 2016 and I was slightly happy ex-husband is French. Went there, it was closed. Restaurant indeed closed, walking back home for good. That's when I met him. I saw him from far after he parked his car until our paths met just like in a stupid movie: I was walk on the other side of the street, opposite direction. Let's call him G. He pointed my sweater which had the name of my city written on and asked me if I was from here. The more he spoke with that warm and soft voice of his, the more my gut feeling was telling me to avoid him, that he was untrustworthy. This happened very fast despite the long description. And so did the rest. My friend and I just acquired a software company: he's an accountant. WHY ARE YOU SELLING YOURSELF TO ME? I've woken up that day, in tears as I dreamt of my ex-husband. I was extremely vulnerable and yes, I'm an emotionally sensitive person. Conveniently, the alarm system of his car went on but I was taught to never turn my back from a stranger. I registered that his right hand was ALREADY in his pocket as the alarm system went on. To this day, I believe he purposely activated it to show me his luxurious car because when I didn't turn around to where the sound was coming from, his cold blue eyes looked into mine a second too long and THEN he turned the alarm system off. All of the sudden, his face was softer and nicer but he kept moving forward, getting closer to me. He wasn't defensive, he was on the offensive. I have always notice those little things about people. He then handled me his phone, asked for my number. I was trying to gain some time, gave a wrong number. He IMMEDIATELY moved forward, extended his neck for me to smell. No better way to put things. As we separated I smiled and told him I didn't believe a word he said and that to me he was a tourist. He didn't seem to appreciate at all, as if he wasn't worth to be trustable. I'm considering weiting a book out of this story because despite all, the 10th of July was the loveliest encounter I experienced with a stranger falling out of the blue. My ex-husband met in a similar context: a spontaneous strong attraction. Wake up women are doing this worse then men. I knew he had been a player for years prior to this so I was shocked.... A repeated pattern of this guy going after women for the thrill of the hunt. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. My heart breaks for you. You see, it's time to look inside yourself and ask why you are continually attracted to men with these traits. It's not anything wrong with you, as a person. It's the fact that you have not yet learned how to recognize and listen to the warning signals. You have a pattern of getting involved with abandoning men. It's familiar to you, so you always lean to what is familiar because it's comfortable. Remember that because it's familiar doesn't mean it's healthy. Learning how to identify HEALTHY traits takes a while. Therapy and a commitment to abstinence. If you continue in this familiar behavior, you will continue to be hurt and feel abandoned. You are a wonderful caring person!! You do NOT deserve the abandoning treatment you have been getting. Then I had a wonderful relationship with another guy who treated me and the children wonderful until three weeks before our daughter was born. He moved with no forwarding address, new phone number, and no contact with anyone that speaks to me. We started going to dinner, bingo, lunch, spending the night in each others arms. I met his entire family and all his friends. He was very proud of me and bragged to all his friends that i was the one. He spent Christmas his parents bought the kids gifts and new years with us. I knew he had been a player for years prior to this so I was shocked. He told me we were going to take the kids places, he even suggested buying his grandfathers house and all of us moving in. Over the next year he spent less and less time with us. Started making excuses to not do things, withheld sex, took forever to respond to texts and acted intruded upon if I called him. But I held on. The last 6 months, he has insulted me, has been rude, and made me feel unimportant and runs hot and cold from day to day. A few dates and then back to treating me like last weeks laundry. Two weeks ago, he blessed me sarcasm with his presence for a night out. In his drunken state he admitted that he never loved me and this whole thing has been a game. I went home angry, hurt, sad, confused, and feeling pretty stupid. Two days of no contact, I shut him down. Then at work he acted like nothing had ever happened. I was aloof and avoided him. He texted me that night and asked if I was mad at him. I told him everything he had said to me. He convinced me to come to his house so we could talk. Like a dummy, I went. He was a sweetheart, told me everything I wanted to hear, and convinced me he loved me. We had sex and in the morning he told me he loved me before I left. At work that day he totally ignored me. The next day he's saying he loves me and I said no more games and walked away. Every day since, he's texted me to tell me he loves me and to give him another chance and says all kinds of sweet stuff. Why not simply date for a long time--cut out the sex after the second date, cut out the expensive gifts or loaning of the car every week and definitely dont shack up!! Just go out and socialize. We all can live with that. I understand where you are. I've been there too. Take advantage of the support you have. Please work on not internalizing the rejection you experience. IT IS NOT YOU. Until you can thoroughly heal and recognize those warning signs that are present early in relationships, you'll be right back in the same boat. Take a vow to avoid relationships at all cost. Hang out with friends more. Take a trip with one of them!! Also, remember that getting over someone doesn't have a time limit. It used to take me months and months to get over the rejection of a 6 week relationship. Our minds are OCD.... God bless you hon! I had come across a few narcs that I allowed to take advantage of me since the six months ago when I last wrote in. I didn't sleep with them, but they hurt me psyche. Or should I say I let them hurt my psyche. One thing you may have guessed, is that I'm an HSP, and an Empath, so I have a tremendously difficult time getting over things. I mean, even I cannot stand it that I can't get over things. I ruminate, and ruminate till the cows come home and the cows never do come home so it's endless. And yes, I'm still not over the guy I wrote in about to begin with. His birthday was a few weeks ago, and it triggered me. His high school reunion is in over a month, and again I feel triggered knowing he will be in town. And yes, I am in therapy. I have let my CoDa meetings slip however. I'm not on the dating scene, as a matter of fact I met via phone and text some very toxic men on online dating. I had to turn one in, block another, and still have been contacting match about another psycho that threatened me never met me, and does not know my full name. So yes, I am done. I have since lost my job a few weeks ago, and will lose my health insurance in one month. So needless to say, I am hitting rock bottom. My therapy session will no longer be covered. So, I have learned even more since last time. I have read tons on narcissist, Psychopathy, and sociopathy. However, my heart is super broken. I have a lot of difficulty even getting out of bed in the morning and I am healthy and able bodied. This has done a number on me. I think most of all my ego and pride hurts from being rejected, even though I should feel blessed to have those toxic people leave me. Thankfully none have hovered back. I recently felt played, but my mind was rationalising it otherwise. Reading the entries gave me the go ahead to feel upset. I feel less alone now and more liberated from my pain. Like entries before i knew this guy is not for me. But he was hot on my heels, and the attention can get addictive. Before i knew it i was hooked. He told me if we couldn't be couples we would be best pals. I thought it was possible. That thought made me feel safe. Possibly too safe, and made things more confusing, when i cant tell what sweet-nothings are a joke and what are for real. I think he didn't mean to play.. But maybe this is also part of my rationalising mind. To save my sanity i forced him to tell me if he is interested in someone else oh yes he admitted, finally. I am past humiliation that i let this happened to myself AGAIN, when i knew at the start its going to happen this way. Going to cut all ties with him, even tho he is a nice chap to spend time with... I am beginning to think that i cant go into any relationships.... But the thought of loneliness is just too painful. I had to really hit bottom, bottom. I saw the assclown again after my last entry, so that date was Dec. I am feeling a bit triggered as I approach the anniversary. We had a wonderful time that night. He arranged a great hotel in town over looking the faux winter wonderland that is put on each year in my town. He brought many candles for the room. He made love to me and professed his love to me. We went to a wonderful dinner, then walked about the winter wonderland and watched ice skaters. In the morning, he seemed rushed to get home a three hour drive. For the first time, he took pictures at the cafe where we grabbed lattes, and he posted on Facebook of course never revealing who I was, but out 70 friends in common know me. After that, he pretty much went MIA. He called a few times, and even asked for my address. In a normal world that means someone is going to send a card or gift. But nothing ever came. I became more saddened. I heard from him briefly on Christmas, and thereafter. I was so angered at this narcissist, that I prayed to confront him again one day to tell him how that made me feel. And yes I full well knew that with narcs they don't care. Well, he started calling again. Hooking me in again, and I was a sucker for the last time. I practiced what I would say to him. I arranged a meet up and drove 3 hours to see him. His behavior was cold and hot. He would switch between seemingly nice, to seeming put out. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I call this the spin cycle. My mom calls it ping-ponging. He seemed to deflect, argue back, and wouldn't let me have my say. Then he got really sweet, and just wanted to be nice and comfort me. I feel for it again! I actually spent the night, and never felt as bad as I did. After the bedroom session, he changed again to his true ugly self. I could hardly wait till morning. He completely discarded me as of April 20th. If you read my post above, you'll read that I'm not that kind of fun time gal, who can just get an itch scratched and move along. I am a relationship gal. So, needless to say, I felt cheap and used, and angry at myself. I realized this past Spring the hard way. I am still recovering. And like another Commenter said, I'm still learning. I tried a few dates, and BAM, more narcissists. I have officially stopped dating until I heal myself, and dissect why I am doing this. The beauty however is I can spot it pretty good now. I just need to listen to my gut better based on knowing what to do with the information. After reading everything above, it all fits my situation to a T. The man in question is a co-worker who is playing another female at the same time. He has been at my place of employment for just a few months. This man is even living with his girlfriend of 3 years, and so very convincing that he is leaving her. We can make ourselves believe anything if we think our needs are going to be met. I thank God this thing never went beyond a few kisses. Today, he was supposed to visit my home in the afternoon. Today was my only day off, for the next couple of weeks. He never contacted me to tell me he wasn't going to make it, and he never showed up. He is a scumbag for sure, but I am more pissed than anything, that my time was wasted, so many other things I could have been doing. It is going to be awkward at work tomorrow. I think what happens is that we create an image of someone in our mind when we don't know them face to face like online. Then when the excitement persists, you meet.... All that urgency is caught up in a wave. Then you deny his advances smart move! I don't think it would have persisted had you given in to him. The excitement was over. Your expectations of him were high, he burst the bubble and you got let down. He's full of crumbs, cold crumbs on a hot plate. That's probably all he can give. Try reading this hub: It may lead you to some other hubs about relationships. You need time to climb back up from the blow. I think counseling would be a good idea..... I met someone online, through mutual friends. He pursued me and convinced me to meet him at the beach. He was all over me... Needless to say, I fell for him. I actually thought he liked me... What ensued were days of anguish... I felt deceived, disappointed, my self-esteem taking another pounding. He'd text occasionally crumbs even called a few times when he discovered I was actually upset. He could hear it in my voice. I told him not to worry, it was just a phase, I'd get over it, but he was adamant we 'talk'. When I finally did admit it, I told him, not to worry, I'd been there, I'd get over it. I think it boosted his ego to discover that he'd gotten under my skin, without too much happening. What upsets me is why do I feel so bad? I didn't sleep with him. I stopped his advances. I genuinely wanted to get to know him. He claims he wants to get to know me too... That at worst, we can be good friends and at best, who knows? Yet, I feel sad. Wish I could just shrug it off, but can't. Part of me hates him for causing me such anguish, the other part just wishes he'd see what a fantastic person I am and he's a fool to 'play' me. How do I get over the pain? It's just as painful to have 'hope'. Maybe I do need professional help. I completely relate and understand the type of man you have encountered. If he wanted a more detailed, involved relationship, he would make himself available. I pray you seek better counsel through a therapist or counselor. You are not alone. Please take time out for yourself and create new interests, friends and treat yourself well. As of today I am doing very well and met a great guy! We are not really together but we're taking it slow and friends. I think that is a great thing! So I wanted to share my story to let others know you can give over this mess! I've been played for the first time recently, and it really hurts!... The thing is, after my first date with this guy, people warned me about him, but I was not really listening because I was not looking for a relationship so I thought it was ok... I just wanted to have fun and I did not expect much from him. This was not the case with him... I always had to make the first move otherwise I had to wait for weeks before he would talk to me, he was super nice to me when I was with him but afterwards he was disappearing for a while, etc... I basically became obsessed with him whereas at first I did not care that much about him. Now I'm gradually trying to get over him but if he contacts me I have no idea how to respond. Also, if I see him again, I don't know if I should make everything clear and ask for a fwb relationship or not? I'm really afraid of rejection and I don't usually ask this kind of things so it would really hard for me... I speak from experience as a recovering tender hearted soul who got stepped on by a player and is still recovering more than a year after getting trampled on. In Buddhism they say everyone in our environment is a mirror of something in us. I have figured out that the stinkers in my life are simply mirroring back to me how I feel about myself. Somewhere deep down I learned to accept crumbs. I am now going to do everything in my power to change my perspective - then, and only then, can I change who I attract into my life. This man that keeps wandering into your life is probably a narcissist - they are predators and reading up on the disease should give you some peace. It really has nothing to do with you. Recovery Today: Thank you for such a helpful and useful Hub. I'm bookmarking so I can reread when I need to and link to some of the resources. You have the upper hand now. Glad your'e getting the professional support. Hang in there, my friend! You are very keen on picking up the depths of my sorrow. And by the way, he is no young man. We met as teens, and now we're in our 40's. He did the same thing to me when we were high school sweethearts. He's never been in a LTR, let alone married. I have never been that type. I know gals that can be a fun time gal, and just play the player back. I am not cut from that same cloth. I feel used, and discarded. I cannot separate sex from love. I have friends who are similar in that way. I feel like it has chipped away at some of my self respect. I feel dumb that I believed him. I guess always remember actions speak louder than words. Often times being the nice girl has really bitten me in the rear. He also knew I was a sensitive person. Why would someone run their game on someone they know is a tender heart. Can I trust again? Are there any good guys out there? I'm reading more and more that this is how men now behave. And yes, I have been seeing a professional regarding this matter. She has known me for years, and boy am I needing her help a lot these days! And he probably does not even know he is doing it or he is so used to tossing crumbs and using sweet words to make up for his guilt that it is a second nature to him. Now that you have identified this is a pattern with him. You said that you are too nice of a person; and you are. It is a wonderful trait to have, but not when one continually gets taken advantage of. It does appear that this young man is quite aware of your feelings for him and, being unable to fully commit or feel as deeply as you do, simply says sweet, loving words to lift the guilt for his inability to jump in. It is his way of saying 'I know I can't give back to you but to make you feel better, I love you'. My guess is that he is unable to come through completely for anyone, giving you more reason not to blame yourself and think it is something wrong with you; because it is not. I sincerely hope that you will seek counseling. You ARE worth more than this, and do not forget it! I pray you discuss this with a professional, I can tell it is hurting you to the depth of your soul. You will not always hurt like this; but in the meantime, get help and get in action. You are worth it! My heart has just been broken by a stealth player. Or should I say, I let myself be hurt by what I suspected was a player, but failed to listen to my gut. Each day for me now has been awful. He is a bread crumb guy as well, so he is occassionally calling me to keep me strung along. He had a vague way of saying, you can date, and I can date, but if our paths meet up again, well. I have never been a backburner gal, and I can't believe I ever even entertained the idea that I could be. I've always been a commitment gal, so why change now. I've had a weakness for this guy for years old high school sweetheart. I have found myself trying to rewrite history, and you know what folks? A tiger never changes his stripes. You would think now that I'm older, I should be wiser. The problem is that I'm too nice of a person, and I give people too many chances. I'm also a hopeless romantic, and actually believe what people tell me. Just like Luna's story, my guy told me he loved me as we were drifting off to sleep. There we were butt to butt, heads on pillow, and lights out as he dropped those words on me. The next day, he told me again during an intimate session. Then, that day was the last time I saw him. We had 3 months of sporadic dates he lived 3hr away , and he had plenty of time to drop those words on me before. Why would someone say those three little words on the last occasion? I feel an emptiness every day that starts out in the morning and lasts till bedtime. I should not miss someone that is hot and cold, but there's a long history of over 20 years. My mind is spinning on how to handle the next time he calls. My mom said he had it all planned out, and that he probably has gals in other towns he's saying the same thing to. Just so confusing to me as this has shattered how I will ever trust again. Oh yeah, it doesn't help that is is super good looking. I k ow I'm worth more than this, but I feel so weak. All ok and moving on... If you read all the meassages posted on this board, they amount to the same thing. Met man or woman fell in love, invested and then they disappear. And then we give months and even years of our lives trying to solve the puzzle. Was it me, something I said, did, didn't do and so on and yet it all amounts to the same thing. If you disappear on somebody, be you a man or a woman you are basically a self centred person with absolutely no idea of the state you left another person in. You leave them to figure it out with not even a small clue. So mean and yes so cruel. And then I ask myself why on earth do we spend so much time on such a person. Well, two minutes would do fine. Well, I think the answer is that rejection is a horrible thing and we somehow want to rationalise it. If it is a verbal rejection where the person decides to communicate, it is already not good as you hear things you do not want to hear, but if it is the silent treatment that is way, way worse. When they disappear, you make excuses. He or she is in a bad place, maybe depressed, maybe maybe and maybe. But heck, it does not stop them communicating, unless they are in a coma. And then we try to communicate to get them to open up. We send sweet messages No answer, an answer that is not clear or an answer that keeps you hanging on but whatever the answer it still does not satisfy us. We send emotionally fuelled messages and that sends them into their rabbit hutches. As for me, I am finally coming out of the haze. I no longer wake up with this thing. A mixture of nostalgia, melancholy and confusion. A feeling that this long-distance person i cared for so much just threw me out. A feeling of getting stronger every day and getting my bounce back. That is what it is about for me, getting my bounce back and finally casting the memory of this not so nice person to the archives of my mind. Doing just ok and thanks for this forum. I met a man from another town far from wher I live on an evening out.. We hit it off immediately and over the next few months we began seeing each other mostly weekends at my place. Text messages morning and night, calls, flowers and then the rot started setting in. Hot and cold behaviour started. Lots of enthusiastic communication then none for days and then back again and we lasted all most a year and a half like this until he finally pulled out... I did not really feel him as a player. He made no promises, no talk about the future and although we were in an intimate relationship, he never expressed any feelings for me, very few compliments and very little affection and zero emotions. When i expressed any feelings towards him, my feelings were strong, i got no reaction until our talk became just about our daily lives, jobs etc. It was extremely frustrating for me, so awful to be in an empty relationship like that. And you might ask why I let it go on so long. Well because I cared deeply about him and I was just hoping he would come forward but it never happened. I dont feel angry towards him and no hate just an extreme sadness. He touched my soul I think. Was he a player, I am not convinced. There were things I noticed though, those little revealing things. When he left my apartment, he always made sure to take every last thing, like you would when leaving a hotel. He loved his clothes and clothes shops. We could have whole conversations about clothes. I think he would liked to have a say in what i wore but I did not allow that. Also quite ungenerous and happy to sit back and let me pay. Never took any initiatives in planning our days, i always did that. So I guess you could call it one sided and by the way, i never got to see his home. He was definitely not married as there was no particular pattern to his calls and messages. So what would you call that? Last contact was initiated by me, a text but the answer was cold and flat, i think he had lost his job. That was three months ago an i left it at that and decided there was no point in flogging a dead horse. A player of another kind maybe? Confused, did not know what he wanted? You tell me, would love feedback. The whole episode has drained me but I am getting on with it, just need to be more vigilant the next time. Sorry for the long winded message and thanks. We'd known each other from work for five years until he found another job. His girlfriend of 3 years had just left him for another man basically citing his neglect , sometime afterward he asked for my number, and if he could start seeing me. The first thing I did was have a talk with him that I'm not the kind of girl looking for a no strings deal-I get attached to people. Later on I had the feeling that I should press the topic again, and he confessed to me that he wasn't ready to give his heart to someone else, but we were still getting to know each other better, so who knew what would happen. However, when I talked to him on the phone some time after that, he told me he didn't want a girlfriend. We stopped talking, and I got rid of his number. Well, a month later he calls me up asking me why I haven't been calling him. After that he started talking to me and coming over again. I told him I wouldn't be happy if he was seeing other people while he was seeing me, and he assured me he wasn't. Very few of our conversations were sexual. Most were about how our days went. In fact, he was very encouraging and comforting to me about some slumps I had been in with my college grades. We never actually ended up having sex together, because he said he didn't want to hurt me. When he finally got on facebook though, he listed himself as single, and started friending a bunch of girls which he could not have possibly all known. He started ignoring my calls again, and actually it was my mother who got in an argument with him over the way he was treating me one of his facebook friends told my mom he was pimping it, and she confronted him about it. He denied having another girlfriend, or even wanting one. Then he said he didn't like people getting to close to him. He said he had no feelings to give me, and that he had problems, and he didn't want me to be in the middle. It's been four months and I haven't heard from him since. I don't even know if he was seeing other girls, or why you'd tell someone you think is asleep that you love them, then later say you don't have feelings for them. Nothing he did made any sense. No thanks, my life fucks me everyday. I can only imagine the waves of doubt that keep hitting you. Just remember your gut intuition and follow it closely. If he's not giving you what you need emotionally now, he won't ever. He's probably a good guy but just can't dive in and spread himself wide enough to satisfy the need you have. You are on the right track by not initiating contact. It wouldn't hurt to not be available. I really think this gets to the bottom of things and the emotions we all go through when we suspect that someone isn't being quite who they say they are. I have been misled a lot in the past as well. My problem is, I'm am trying not to let my past ruin what could be a good thing in the present with someone else. I always seem to give them the benefit of the doubt but still approaching dating and relationships on the negative side because of my inability to trust. I am actually seeing a guy now who seems to be a poor communicator and like you've mentioned, tossing out bread crumbs just to keep me hooked. I have confronted him about this a few times already yet he seems to get upset by it saying that I am always negative and that he really does like me, but he's been busy. I believe that to a certain extent, but sometimes my gut-feeling tells me it's just an excuse. I've told him I can't do this anymore three times within the past 2 months, yet everytime he either calls me right away to talk it out or tells me that he cares if we went our separate ways. I am so confused now, but I am trying to focus on my own life without contacting him anymore. I will not initiate contact and he does just about everyday. This hub helped me understand that there are more out there than I've realized that feel the same way I do. But they are of the same vein, liars and users. You trust them so honestly, then one day- you are betrayed. This happens not only about love, but also in any endeavor- in the family, in the workplace, everywhere! No matter how selective we would be on who to be with, chances are, if we give too much of ourselves, we would be hurt somehow. But a lesson was learned, no matter how hard it was! They can be detected, if we are positive thinkers. Thanks for all those insights you have put in this hub. That is why I whole-heartedly have made an effort to assist others to take heed of the warning signs to avoid being 'played'. I thank you for your honesty but I prefer to write as an objective observer, as all my writings are not taken from personal experience alone. This article is about yourself, nothing to be embarrassed about. Still I say; Be yourself; why change for others? I wrote a song abot that years ago. Just keep your eyes and your mind clear to think. You are correct in the theory that a lot of women tend to deceive themselves. This is where empowerment of the woman is important; to learn new skills in choosing what man to get involved with and which men are 'healthy'. In addition, learning to LISTEN to the warning signs and OBEY them when they first appear. You are so right in you description that men who tend to be players are nothing more than arrogant! It is one of the traits of a true 'player'. Thank you for a really informative comment! Hopefully you were able to learn and recognize that not all those who claim to be honest are truthful. The self-centeredness goes along with the role of 'player'. It is a pattern that, for some, is easily recognizable and for others, is apparent, yet they cannot see it because of what you state: temporary blindness to logic. Thanks for reading and glad to inform you. It's alright to be naïve, but choosing not to see is something completely different. This is good advise for single folks. It's a battleground out there.... You know, this reminds me of somebody I knew once who played the heck outta me. I mean I was so naïve I couldn't see through the BS lines he was feeding me. And what you say here is true..... I too was blinded, literally, by my feelings and got caught up in the excitement of it. What a loser, and self-centered as all get out. Heck, I'm ranting again. Residual effect from my rant hub! Thanks for the read. You give wonderful advice... I love the poll, and especially how everyone's on one side or the other... Thank you for popping over to my hubs and becoming a fan! I'm looking forward to reading your hubs. Copyright © 2018 HubPages Inc. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. HubPages ® is a registered Service Mark of HubPages, Inc. HubPages and Hubbers authors may earn revenue on this page based on affiliate relationships and advertisements with partners including Amazon, Google, and others. This website uses cookies As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so. 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Many people end up dating their crush, while others never get the chance. Date was very del. You do not need to go out of your way to avoid the person you want to get over, but you should not purposefully seek that person out either. Yes, I know, you can't stand the thought of them being with anyone else. This was not the note with him. Mystery is often much more terrifying than the truth--if you unfriend them, your overactive imagination will concoct tales of your former bae-adjacent person gallivanting about with a new bae in exotic locations, when the reality is probably much less jealousy inducing. How far are you in the print of getting over that special someone. Distract yourself with other things. It's only a problem if you become so attached to your unhappiness that you are reluctant to give it up because it's become part of your identity. I told him that he needed to give me solo for my closure on this and I asked if your friendship was done too.