How to Deal With a Relationship Imbalance

Another scenario that sometimes occurs involves the pursuer becoming frustrated after sometimes years of trying to get their spouse to respond. Overall all the main characters seems to only have a small group of freinds just like Luna. A girl so maladjusted that her entire social life revolves around a single person should not be involved in a romantic relationship, and on the flip side, no guy who's psychologically healthy himself would want to date her. And therein lies trouble.

This can cause someone to feel inferior and the imbalance can create the passing of power, inadvertently, to the other partner. Yet this connection is what human beings all crave, and need.

Power imbalance in relationships (Luna/harry) : creepy or not - When we feel powerless or unsafe, love and the health of the relationship are threatened. Either way, the idea and reality of best friendship are corroded.

Power exists in all relationships. Having power means to have a sense of control, to have choices and the ability to influence our environment and others. When we feel empowered, we can manage our emotions, we believe that we matter and that we can affect outcomes. We have a sense of efficacy in our lives, rather than being at the effect of others and circumstances. Instead of reacting, we can act because we have an internal locus-of-control. Impaired Power In contrast, many of us may feel powerless and victims of outside forces. We can feel like our destiny is out of our hands. Some of us voluntarily give up our power to others. We may feel uncomfortable with exercising our own power, and believe that we will alienate others. Instead, we might react to others, defer to their wants and needs, and have trouble making decisions and initiating independent action. Often in codependent relationships, one partner — sometimes an addict, narcissist, or abuser — wields power over the other. Usually the acquiescent partner attempts to exert influence in indirect or passive-aggressive ways, such as withholding. Chronic lack of power can lead to and physical symptoms. In somewhat healthier relationships, both partners vie for power in ongoing power struggles. These typically revolve around money, chores, child care, and negotiating how and with whom time is spent. To avoid conflict, some couples segregate domains where they each exercise more control. Historically, mothers ruled the roost and fathers earned more and controlled finances. Traditional roles are changing and becoming more egalitarian. Men are participating more in child care and. By working or having power outside the home, women learn that they can function outside the marriage. This potentially gives them greater power within the relationship. This can happen when our feelings and needs are ignored. We feel unimportant and resentful. When we have no influence, we feel disrespected and powerless. Shared Power Self-worth and autonomy are a prerequisite to sharing power and feeling entitled to express our desires and needs, including needs for respect and reciprocity. In a healthy relationship, power is shared. Both partners take responsibility for themselves and to the relationship. Decisions are made jointly, and they feel safe and valued enough to be vulnerable. Relationships and intimacy require boundaries. Otherwise, risking honest self-expression feels too threatening. Boundaries ensure mutual respect and the happiness of both partners. Codependents and Power Codependents generally grow up in families where power was exercised over them in a dominant-submissive pattern. Their needs and feelings were ignored or criticized. Power gets a bad rep. For girls, this can be reinforced in families where women and girls are viewed as second-class or not encouraged to be assertive, autonomous, educated, and self-supporting. On the other hand, some children grow up to decide the best way to feel safe and get their needs met is to exercise power over others. This also presents problems, since it breeds fear and resentment and makes our partner withdraw or behave in passive-aggressive ways. Many codependents have never learned to be assertive or how to problem-solve. Assertiveness is empowering, but requires a foundation of autonomy and self-esteem, both difficult for codependents. However, assertiveness can be learned, and doing so builds self-esteem. Control is one of the primary symptoms of codependency — control of self or others. It becomes confused with power. Because codependents lack a sense of power in their lives, instead try to manipulate and control others. Rather than attend to their needs directly, they try to exercise power over others and control others to make themselves feel okay on the inside. How to Become Empowered Love and power are not incongruous. Love actually is the exercise of power. To claim our power requires learning to live consciously, taking responsibility for ourselves and our choices, building self-esteem, and asking directly for our needs and wants. As we learn to express ourselves honestly and set boundaries and say no, we create safety and mutual respect, allowing our partner to do the same. See my ebook, How To Speak Your Mind — Become Assertive and Set Limits. Becoming more autonomous also is important, not only to build self-esteem. Autonomy assures us that we can survive on our own. This allows couples to be less reactive. Sharing our vulnerability — our feelings, wants, and needs — actually strengthens our true self in an environment of mutuality and trust. Thus, asserting our power permits safety and allows for intimacy and love to flourish. When we feel powerless or unsafe, love and the health of the relationship are threatened. Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships and codependency. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 28 years and coaches internationally.

Thus, asserting our power permits safety and allows for intimacy and love to flourish. She also had control over the resistance he feared most — abandonment by her. She is also a writing instructor, editor and former elementary school teacher. The bottom line is that men are reactive rather than proactive in a relationship. We are, however, vulnerable to abusers who target us due to damage from overuse of our fub-based emotions. Power can be gained or lost within a split second. To claim our power requires learning to live consciously, taking responsibility for ourselves and our choices, building self-esteem, and asking directly for our needs and wants. Resolving an imbalance of power takes work, especially if the situation has responsible for many years without interruption. When we feel powerless or unsafe, love and the health of the relationship are threatened. Becoming more autonomous also is important, not only to build self-esteem.