You’re About to Learn the Real Reason a Man Will Suddenly “Disappear” from Your Life…

They hadn't friended each other on Facebook -- he wanted to build intimacy through real life interactions. Real relationships take time, lots of it. Your book however showed me ALL the answers I had ever wanted to know!

In the middle of that week I asked for his exam we had troubles to meet that friday because he was busy with that exam. We were seeing each other for a year and the last time we chatted he told me he missed me and sweet dreams. Or do you think this is just the way you are in general? Thats what Women have reduced themselves to.

Why Men Disappear When It Gets Serious - WHAT MUST I DO??

How well do you know his past and how well do you know yourself Whether it is the inability to maintain sustained intimacy or a fear of being entrapped, there are men and women who are very convincing in their love when they are present, but disappear without warning when they need to bolt. Many partners involved with these hit and run lovers are understandably confused. But hit and run partners actually do love someone intensely and then seem to erase the relationship often were sincere in their love when they were present but still leave without warning or trace. The partners left behind are naturally bereft, often tearing themselves apart with obsessive recaps of what could possibly have gone wrong. They grieve a seemingly irrevocable rupture that they could not foresee and have no idea how to make sense of it. Most fall into grief responses and blame themselves for being a fool. Others vow to never fall for that kind of ruse again, undoing what they previously and absolutely felt was the real thing. Some become almost obsessive in their attempts to contact the absent partner and try to convince him or her that leaving was a mistake and the relationship can be fixed, usually to no avail. After some mystical period of time that ensures the abandoned partners have gotten to the point of eulogizing the relationships, the fleers spontaneously return. Hoisting remarkable re-entry seduction, they are somehow able to come up with unusual and phenomenal reasons why they had to go. The pleading presentation to come back often includes blaming themselves and idolizing the abandoned partners. If those that have been left behind still harbor feelings for them, they too often turn a blind side to prior heartbreak and believe that the relationship has now been chosen anew, and will, this time, last forever. They wonder why they fall so deeply in love but panic after a period of time and need to escape. Rarely, have I seen hit and run lovers who justify their behavior. They are not likely to see themselves as the false committers they might be, and are still out there seeking available recipients. Because we human beings love a hunt and thrive on novelty, sequential experiences with one person or many gives us the excitement that only new discovery can. Being lonely and lost, then joyful and claimed again, can be its own reward for many, even if the process is, at times, anguishing. Given enough attachment and closeness, even when temporary, many people will play out several rounds of connect-disconnect-reentry before the price becomes higher than the gain. And, because each new round is filled with magical passion, that price can be ignored for a long time. Beware if they tell you about many failed relationships that are never their fault because you are likely to be the next. Of course, they have the right to ask you the same. Unless that person understands why and when he or she bolts, they are bound to repeat that behavior, sometimes especially because the relationship is good. These hit and run conflicted but highly present people do not exist just in intimate relationships. They come into therapy without realizing that they will create the same pattern in that relationship. I know this is time therapy is finally going to work. I realize that I just wanted to believe they were the one, but it fell apart, just like the others. Yes, there are reasons why these not­bad-guy hit and run partners do what they do. But the important thing is looking at your own susceptibility, not allowing yourself to be exempt, and intending what you want to do about it. Own your own participation and awareness, and ride the wave if you still want to enjoy the special times. Randi Gunther — 2. Notice everything Sometimes, leaving and returning are part of the normal ebb and flow of relationship, especially in the beginning stages. Most long-term couples say they experienced a breakup or two back in their early days. We love who we love, for good reasons. Trying to deny that only creates disturbance elsewhere. Be honest with yourself. Be with him if you want his company. Tell him how it feels to have him disappear. Tell him about your misgivings. Allow yourself to feel all the doubt and deliciousness of having him back. As you notice his pattern, and yours, you get a window into your psyche. Trauma disrupts attachment in young children. So these loves show us what kinds of losses of connection we had to endure back then, most likely with our parents. You and he may benefit from trauma therapy to target early losses in your life, like parental divorce. EMDR eye-movement-desensitization and reprocessing therapy addresses relationship trauma and attachment problems and helps people make new bonds with the ones they love. Deborah Cox — 3. The real question is what is it about you that you are willing to settle for less than the best in love and treatment? It can be quite confusing and painful when a friend or lover disappears from a relationship. As a rule of thumb, the ones that disappear are emotionally immature. They are the boys and girls in the world vs. Think of it this way, it is one thing to leave someone confused and wondering what happened emotional immaturity vs. Leaving someone confused with no idea what happened is thoughtless, shows very poor communication skills, and can be cruel. So you have to ask yourself if you really want to be in relationship with someone who is capable of treating you like this. The shine is rubbing off; do you like what you see? Be very clear, if they did it once they will do it again! Is this the character of someone you want to entrust your emotions with? If you are willing to play the emotional roulette that is sure to follow, you need to ask yourself why. While you may tell yourself you want him because he is so great, be clear that is a only what you are telling yourself not the real truth. Is someone who is emotionally immature and cruel really that great? The real question is what is it about you that you are willing to settle for less than the best in love and treatment? Yes, emotions make it hard! But is it better to tear the band-aid off now or ride the emotional roller coaster and have to do the same thing later? Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC — 4. This pattern of behavior is explained very well in the book. Men will emotionally step away from a relationship when he is trying to solve a problem. Men are naturally problem solvers and work on things from a logical standpoint. He is taking time to figure out where he stands with you and how he plans to proceed. It is important for you to also explore your feelings and behaviors. Are there ways to you set boundaries with him, while also being supportive of the time he needs to figure out his feelings? You can assess the situation to see if he is taking his time to figure things out or if he is doing other things. Have an honest conversation with him about where he is at and what he needs from you. You can also explain what your needs are and see if he is willing to meet them. Being in a relationship, at any stage, is going to be about compromise. Amanda Patterson, LMHC — 5. Because he has already shown you that he is capable of it. Fool me twice, shame on me. There needs to be proper boundaries established here in order for them to not be crossed. And then, bite your tongue, grit your teeth, and scream and cry behind doors, but be consistent. Teach him how to treat you! If this is who he really is, is he the one you really want? You decide, now or later. Barbara Ann Williams, LPC, MS — 7. It depends on whether you can forgive him and move past the pain Does this sound familiar? You go through all the emotions of heartbreak and depression, but then you hear from him again. He wants to give it another try. Should you give him a second chance? However, that is no excuse for his leaving and then reconsidering. You were hurt and, while the heart is saying, yes to seeing him again, your logic is saying no. Would he do it again? Can you go through the uncertainty of a repeat situation? Can you let go of the pain and start all over as if nothing happened? This all really depends on whether you can forgive him and move past the pain. And of course, you need to do what is best for you. One of the most common deal-breakers for long-term relationships is not knowing if your partner shares the same goals and intentions as you. What does he want? Early on, you need to stop second-guessing the relationship and find out what your partner is looking for and what he truly wants. Therefore: — Discuss what you both want out of the relationship. In other words, set your boundaries and stick with them. Your relationship is meant to enhance who you already are. You must never doubt where you stand in the relationship or how important you are in his life. If you are giving him a second chance, be sure he knows how lucky he is that you did! But affording him a third, fourth, and fifth chance start to indicate questionable judgment on your part. If he is repeatedly pulling away and disappearing when you start to really invest in the relationship, and then resurfacing when you have shown signs of moving on — this is selfish, narcissistic and borderline sadistic behavior on his part. This behavior pattern in a man signals an inability to identify what he wants so he wants it all — his space and freedom with no commitment or accountability, but also to remain relevant and important and desired by you above anyone else. It also signals unresolved pain and fears blocking his capacity for intimacy. Lastly, and perhaps worst of all, it indicates an utter lack of regard or concern for your feelings. His behavior will reveal pretty clearly, if you look at it with clear eyes and mind, whether or not he is worth keeping around. Hadley Hill, MA, LPC — 9. It is important to get the truth about the reason he disappeared and then evaluate what to do from there Often, men who do this are juggling more than one relationship. What was the reason he gave for disappearing? Was he ill or was a family member ill? What kept him from communicating what was happening in his life? Even if you are just dating, it is a courtesy to let someone know that you are not interested or communicate that that you will be unavailable for a certain amount of time. Often this is a way for men to play the field and date more than one woman at a time and then decide which woman to continue dating. The other reason a man might do this is to establish a pattern so that he does not have to be accountable later in the relationship. He can say that this is something I did before when we were dating and why should it bother you now? As women, it is important to respect ourselves and not tolerate discourteous behavior. If a relationship starts in this manner, be mindful that this behavior might continue. Ask yourself what is your threshold for not knowing what is going on and how does it affect you? If something tragic happened like illness or a death in the family, maybe you can move on and it will never happen again. If the reason he gives you leaves you confused or uncertain, then you might re-evaluate whether you should continue spending you precious time with him. Stay in your integrity and even if you are into him; ask yourself if this relationship will add value to your life and will it be healthy for you to continue? If he disappears more than once, that is a huge red flag. This means that he does not respect you or the effort and time that you are putting forth in developing the relationship. There are times when a man can seem like a real catch, but if it is too much work to be with him, then you might want to reconsider how good a catch he might really be. Ileana Hinojosa, MLA, LMFT — Copyright Notice You may not, except with express written permission, distribute or commercially exploit the content. Nor may you transmit it or store it in any other website or other form of electronic retrieval system.

He lives on the other side of the world. This may surprise most women out there but guys are actually really really straight forward, most 90% do not have the el nor patience to play games. He told you he´d call you, but he didn´t. It happens to people in dating. Why text me several years later just like. He sent mixed signals. But his lame behavior did bother me until I spoke with other men who've also met a disappearing act, and now I realize: We can't control how other people handle relationships; we can still control the way we act and react. We communicate d by Skype. I should have let him go long before we actually broke up.